Sts. Peter and Paul: Pray for the Continuing Conversion of the Church

John 21:15-19 (NRSV)

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?" He said to him, "Yes, Lord; you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Feed my lambs." A second time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" He said to him, "Yes, Lord; you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Tend my sheep." He said to him the third time, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" Peter felt hurt because he said to him the third time, "Do you love me?" And he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Feed my sheep. Very truly, I tell you, when you were younger, you used to fasten your own belt and to go wherever you wished. But when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will fasten a belt around you and take you where you do not wish to go." (He said this to indicate the kind of death by which he would glorify God.) After this he said to him, "Follow me."

The Commemoration of Sts. Peter and Paul is a reminder that the Church has an Apostolic foundation to our faith in Jesus Christ.  God's message of unconditional love and call to salvation in and through God's perfect revelation was given first to these two individuals and from them to the ends of the earth. 

What we know of these two prominent figures is that both came from very diverse backgrounds.  Peter was the brother of Andrew and they were both fisherman when Jesus called them to follow him.  Peter is one of the most visible of the Apostles throughout the Gospel narratives.  It is Peter who confesses Jesus as the Son of the Living God and is told that he holds the keys as in Matthew 16: 13 to 20.  Yet it is Peter who has to be told to get behind Jesus, because Satan is speaking through him when he tells Jesus not to go to Jerusalem to experience his crucifixion and resurrection in Matthew 16: 21-23.  Earlier it was Peter who's faith was weak which was why he sank in Matthew 14: 22-33.  Yet it was also Peter who told Jesus that he would follow him where ever he went, yet denied Jesus three times as Jesus was going through his trial.  The Gospel for today is when Jesus is reinstating Peter by asking Peter three times if Peter loves Jesus.  Jesus instructs Peter to feed Jesus' sheep.

Paul was originally Saul.  Saul was the one who was persecuting the Christians.  Saul was present at the stoning of Stephen who is the first Deacon in the early Church.  Yet, Saul experienced a great conversion on his way to Damascus.  We can read about his incredible story in Acts 9.  Saul later became Paul who converted many gentile communities to the Christian Faith.  As we know there are 10 letters of Paul in the Bible all written to each community in defense and explanation of the Christian Faith.  Much of the Church's mission and doctrine both good and bad have come from the writings of Paul. 

Peter is said to have been the Apostle to the Jewish people, yet, later wound up in Rome where he was crucified upside down.   Paul was the Apostle to the Gentiles who later was imprisoned and was beheaded during the persecution of Nero.

The commemoration of St. Peter and St. Paul is a day of prayer for the continuing conversion of the Church.  Whether we wish to pray for Pope Benedict XVI who is believed to be the successor or St. Peter or we wish to pray that the many errors taught about what Paul might have meant in places like Romans 1: 26-27, 1 Corinthians 6: 9, or 1 Timothy 1: 10 would be better understood as not condemning lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered people; the important thing is to pray that everyone in the Church would be open to God's Holy Spirit to experience conversion in heart, mind and action.   The Church has all too long used the Bible and the teachings of St. Peter and St. Paul to justify vicious cruelty towards people of color, immigrants, LGBT people and women.  Rather than look at how the Holy Spirit calls us time and again to be renewed in mind and heart so that we may be welcoming and affirming of everyone created and loved in God's holy image, redeemed by the blood of the Lamb and made a participant in God's Church, so many are looking for ways to exclude others from among God's many sheep.

All of the Scriptures for today's wonderful commemoration call for the Church and those who lead it to be shepherds leading and feeding the sheep.  When the leaders of the Church behave like ravenous wolves looking to devour the gender identity and sexual orientation of LGBT and Questioning individuals, so many of God's sheep who are LGBT leave the Church have been fed with hate, discrimination and the poison of exclusion.  Such attitudes are not only unhealthy for those who are LGBT and Questioning, but also for the Church.  For when the Church cannot or does not hear God the Holy Spirit calling us to open our doors to all God's people the Church's green pastures become full of brown dead grass that cannot feed anyone. 

When individuals who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered and questioning are given an impression from Church leaders that there is no place for them and God in the Church or society because of their sexual orientation and/or gender identity, it really does not matter that God is one in three Persons in the Holy Trinity, or that we are saved through Baptism, or Christ is present in the Holy Eucharist.  It also does not really matter whether the Pope is the Successor to St. Peter or the Bishops are the Successors to the Apostles, when LGBT and Q people are told that they cannot find God's love because they are LGBTQ or as such we exercise our physical love with our significant others.  When LGBTQ people are told that there is no place for them to be members, or to exercise their gifts as ordained Bishops, Priests and Deacons, all the teachings in any Catechism really are meaningless.  Because if we are going to say that the love of God lives in Three Persons such as the Father/Mother/Creator, Son/Redeemer/Servant, Holy Spirit/Sanctifier/Life-Giver, but some how God's unconditional love does not extend to people of diverse sexual orientations and/or gender identities/expressions then God is not even God. God is understood as the god of people's prejudices who justifies violence and cruelty according to a legalistic crusade of one group against another. That description of a god, is not the God and Father of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.  To say that God can love and show God's powerful, loving mercy in all people except any one group of people, is to suggest that God is not all-powerful, or all-present.  If we believe God is God, then God is the God of all who are Lesbian, Gay, Straight, Bisexual, Transgendered and Questioning.  If Jesus Christ is the Son of God, the Redeemer and Servant of all of God's children, then Jesus really is for everyone's Savior.   And if the Holy Spirit who is also our Sanctifier, and Life-Giver then she is that for all God's people, not just some who are so privileged to be Caucasian, straight, male and upper class. 

I chose to share the photo that I uploaded for today's blog post from this past weekend's Pride Parade in the the Twin Cities of Minnesota because I wanted to make a statement on this Commemoration of St. Peter and St. Paul.  God's Church is a place where everyone regardless of where they are on their faith journey  is welcomed.  Even if they are not sure of God's existence or what all this Christianity thing is. The good news of salvation and conversion in Jesus Christ that was preached by St. Peter and St. Paul was suppose to be one of those where even if there were people who weren't sure, they could come and find the all inclusive God of unconditional love.  The Church was founded upon the message of the Apostles were imperfect people. The Church is still lead by imperfect people who still have a lot of learning, growing and transformation to experience.  Many of us are way too comfortable in our pews, choir lofts and pulpits.  We don't like the idea of people of different cultures, races, minority groups, sexual orientations, gender identity/expression, genders, challenges and the like to come in and make themselves at home.  As the Church we still are allowing injustice to inform people's consciences, and the poor to go without some kind of attention.  We still think God and other people must conform to our image, rather than we be transformed by God and others who come to share their Gospel life stories with us.  The Church, it's leaders and members still need conversion and transformation.  

How and where do we need conversion and transformation?  What kind of conversion or transformation is the Holy Spirit calling us to today?  How and where is the Holy Spirit calling us to look at where we need transformation rather than us deciding that for others?  What is that something that the Church has always told us, that we might need to let go of so that we can be more welcoming and accepting of others who come to share the Gospel with us?  How are we being fed and nourished as part of God's sheep in the Church?

Almighty God, you have built your Church upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief cornerstone: Grant us so to be joined together in unity of spirit by their teaching, that we may be made a holy temple acceptable to you; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen. (Proper 8, Book of Common Prayer, Page 230).

Almighty God, whose blessed apostles Peter and Paul glorified you by their martyrdom: Grant that your Church, instructed by their teaching and example, and knit together in unity by your Spirit, may ever stand firm upon the one foundation, which is Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen. (Collect for St. Peter and St. Paul, Book of Common Prayer, Page 241).

O God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, our only Savior, the Prince of Peace: Give us grace seriously to lay to heart the great dangers we are in by our unhappy divisions; take away all hatred and prejudice, and whatever else may hinder us from godly union and concord; that, as there is but one Body and one Spirit, one hope of our calling, one Lord, one Faith, one Baptism, one God and Father of us all, so we may be all of one heart and of one soul, united in one holy bond of truth and peace, of faith and charity, and may with one mind and one mouth glorify you; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. (Prayer for the Unity of the Church, Book of Common Prayer, Page 818).

Pride Sunday: Living Our Lives and Faith, Can It Be Done?

One of the most interesting bumper stickers the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered community has made over the years says: "Diversity Is Our Strength."  This statement seems to be saying that we recognize that within the LGBT Community there are many different people facing similar issues, yet finding strength amidst whatever is not the same about everyone who is LGBT.  Interestingly enough, diversity while it is a strength of the LGBT Community, it is also an area where we are constantly struggling to strengthen our acceptance of the diversity of what makes us who and what we are.  This is why celebrating LGBT Pride is so important.  It is the occasion at which everyone who represents or supports those who are LGBT comes together to make their statements as one people calling for justice, equality, understanding and an end to prejudice and violence. What else happens during Pride?  Everyone who is LGBT and/or supports those who are such as PFLAG comes out and makes a bold statement about who we are, and that we are settling for nothing less than to be known as individuals who are as much a part of society as anyone else.

The readings for this weekend are a call for all of us to consider carefully the seriousness of our answer to be honestly who we are, respect everyone else and be willing to follow Jesus Christ in all that we say and do.  As diverse as the LGBT Community is there are two parts of our Community that are consistently at conflict with each other.  Our lives as LGBT people and our faith and morals as Christians.  The religious right does not want us to mix being LGBT with being a Christian, while many in the LGBT Community have a lot of trouble with those who still want to be Christian.  There are tensions among those who want to live a more promiscuous lifestyle or even a polygamous style and those who want to be more monogamous and committed to one relationship.  Within the LGBT Community and those who chose to be part of any Christian Community is the struggle to be part of a predominantly LGBT church group like the Metropolitan Community Church . Then there are others who want to be more integrated with others such as being part of the United Church of Christ, the Episcopal Church or the Evangelical Lutheran Church of American to name a few.  Within the last few years groups like the Gay Christian Network (GCN) and The Evangelical Network (TEN) have been creating some community for those who want a more Evangelistic style of worship and spirituality, but still be LGBT.  There are also Pentecostal LGBT churches now. There are churches that make room for LGBT people of color and/or other cultures and languages.   Last but not least, there are those who are part of very unwelcoming Christian Communities, but keep themselves very secretive.  Such individuals do not like a lot of the theology or teaching promoted by many pro-LGBT churches, so they simply go to their respective churches and choose to ignore the anti-gay rhetoric of their communities and just smile and keep to themselves.   Yet for all of us who are LGBT and Christian or if you prefer Christian and LGBT there are friends around us that will literally give us hell for being LGBT and part of the Christian Faith.

As LGBT Christians what is the price we are willing to pay to be who we are and practice what we believe?  How do we define ourselves as LGBT Christians?  What is our interior call to being people of faith, while being diverse individuals who are LGBT?

I want to begin by taking a look at both our first Reading and the Gospel, and then I will tie it in with the second Reading to see if I can provoke some thought..

The Old Testament reading from 1 Kings 19:15-16, 19-21 and Luke 9:51 to 62 we are confronted with people being called to follow God either through the work of Elijah as in 1 Kings or Jesus as in Luke, but have some very important decisions to make. It should be mentioned that the people Jesus was calling to follow him, were the Samaritans that were rejected by the religious authorities of Jesus' time. There was a great deal of prejudice towards the Samaritans to the point that the Jewish people were discouraged from associating with them.  In both 1 Kings and Luke the people being called to serve are asking if they can simply follow the culturally right thing to do, before they follow the one calling them.  I will start by answering the easiest question first. In both situations it is not that taking care of one's folks is not important or a wise thing to do.  What is more important is the urgency of the invitation and are they ready and willing to follow this path that will lead to a new way of life in which there are much more important things to take care of.   How might this related to LGBT people or even Pride?

Way too many people have some very legitimate reasons for staying in the closet.  Their families.  Sick or unwell relatives.  Careers that can really be ruined because someone announced or acted as if they are LGBT.  Many individuals like myself who are out, can find it difficult to be patient with those who are playing straight for the benefit of their own situation.  How quickly many of us forget what it was like for us to walk around scared should someone find out who we really are.  The decision to disappoint a family member who really thinks we are wonderful, but makes anti-gay jokes all the time is a difficult decision to make.  Yet many of us have reached that point where we just cannot hide who we are any longer.  The more we stay tucked away, the more difficult it is.  For many of us the easy way "out" is to stay "in".  Or to live a life sort of like don't ask, don't tell.  Yet the more we do that, the more unhealthy many of us can become.  Contrary to what many religious right folks might think, the longer we stay tucked in our closets safe from "all of that confessing by which we become healthy people" (See Dr. Mel White in For the Bible Tells Me So), the less we are truly following Jesus and allowing him to touch and speak through our lives.

But then, once we do come out and should we make develop as healthy and proud LGBT people, but be people who follow Jesus Christ, now we find ourselves in conflict with others who are LGBT.  If you are like myself, looking to date or be in a relationship with someone who is LGBT and Christian is no easy task.  Yet, once we've found that someone, so many pieces of our lives fall into place.  Yet, with that decision to be LGBT and Christian it means that we might very well be outcasts again in one fashion or another.   The road that Jesus is calling his followers to take in Luke 9:51 to 62 is a way that will lead Jesus and all of his disciples to the Cross.  The Cross is where we sacrifice all that is so precious to us and accept God's will, even when it hurts or even kills us. We may loose the respect of religious authorities or even our best friends. Yet, because we are following Jesus Christ who is God's perfect revelation, we believe and know that it is only through the Cross that we can experience the resurrection and find new life in God's amazing love and grace.

And how do we tie in the reading from Paul's letter to the Galatians 5:1, 13-25?  This is that famous reading where Paul talks about the "flesh" and the "Spirit" being against each other, and that huge list of things that if we do them, we will not enter the kingdom of God.  This can serve as a great clobber passage when used by those who read the Bible literally.  Today's Out in Scripture offers terrific insight for a different point of view.

Galatians 5:1, 13-25 brings memories of both treasures and traumas. Paul begins (and ends) with this wonderful proclamation of grace. Yet, as soon as many people hear the word "flesh" (verse 16), they default into a legalistic and punitive theology. We are reminded that "flesh" was Paul's shorthand for the lower, carnal mind — a life driven by fear rather than love. Galatians 5:14 clearly reminds us that the fulfillment of the law is to love your neighbor as yourself. When all else is hung on this anchor, we hear it more responsibly both for ourselves and for others. It is not freedom just to follow every sexual urge, or to fly off the handle at every offense or to be controlled by strong drink or drugs. That does not mean that we should ignore every offense, or deny our sexuality or never have a drink. Free, embodied people consult deeply with their bodies as they relate to other bodies, with the God who is embodied in Christ.

So how are some good ways to blend everything together as we celebrate Pride Sunday?  As LGBT Christians we are not just creating and following a Gospel that we have tweaked to say what we want it to say.  We are looking to follow Jesus Christ as LGBT people, because we recognize that left to our own devices we might forget that our human soul still needs a companion to help us along the way in life.  We are fully capable of failing to live our holy LGBT lives in a morally good way.  We can still drink too much, engage in sexual activity that is not life-giving or healthy and we can fail to be prudent in our decisions.  Although our sexual orientation is not sinful, how we use it can be.  Homosexual activity between people who honestly love each other and intend to love each other is good and holy.  Homosexual activity that seeks to use someone for selfish reasons is destructive.  When a bisexual person is open and honest with the people in their relationships so that everyone sincerely struggles, accepts or rejects what is or is not their thing is a good thing, and can lead to constructive relationships.  When husbands and wives keep their sexual orientation a secret and sleep around behind their spouses backs, because they cannot have an honest conversation can be very destructive.   Open and honest communication with respect for each other is good and holy.  Conversation that is designed to cheat, lie and keep things hidden is disastrous.  When we sin, we need to confess and be forgiven.  Needing to be forgiven and asking for God's mercy is the right thing to do. Not going to God with all that we may have done wrong and trying to do it all ourselves, is already a hell.  It is a hell that a good confession can get us out of, but it is up to us to take that step and ask for God's mercy.

LGBT Pride celebrates God's love for everyone.  We are all called to participate in the person and mission of the Gospel by loving God and our neighbor by the gift of our sexual orientation and/or gender identity/expression.  Like all gifts we still need some guidance so that we can use our gifted abilities to make wise and holy decisions, so that we are seeking the common good of other people.  The call to follow Jesus to the Cross is difficult.  That call means we will have to make hard choices about how we can serve God in what ever capacity we are at.  No two people will make their decisions the same way.  But there is no situation that God cannot and will not be with us in, unless we choose to keep God out of our lives.  As LGBT Christians may all of us today decide that we will follow Jesus and love God, our neighbors, our partners, significant others, families and friends in good and holy ways.  May we continue to work for a Church and society of inclusion, equal justice and lively diversity so as to recognize God in all the ways in which God reveals God's Self through us.

Almighty God, you have built your Church upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief cornerstone: Grant us so to be joined together in unity of spirit by their teaching, that we may be a holy temple acceptable to you; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen. (Proper 8, Book of Common Prayer, Page 230).

Loving God, bless us as we gather to celebrate LGBT Pride.  We are, each of us, created in your own image lesbian, gay, straight, bisexual and transgendered, alike.  Hasten the coming of your kingdom when all are welcome and all are equal.  Anoint us with the balm of hope and send us your healing Spirit, that we may be known as a just and unified community.  We ask this in your Name, through Jesus Christ, our Redeemer, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.  (Collect for Pride Sunday as used at St. Mark's Episcopal Cathedral in Minneapolis, Minnesota.)

For some other thoughts on Pride please check out the article "The Spiritual Significance of Pride" in the Episcopal Cafe Lead. 

All Saints Day: All Are Included, All Share

We celebrate all of the Saints who have proclaimed and who continue to proclaim that God's perfect revelation came to us in Jesus Christ, who was born, died, and rose again. These are the women and men, the black, the white, the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered (LGBT), the ordained, the lay people, volunteers, the martyrs, the monks, nuns, religious, the hard working family and so many more whom I have not named who have contributed to the work of the Gospel. This day is not only for the Saints who have already gone before us, it is for all those who today continue to live out the mission of Christ in the here and now.


The reading from the Prophet Isaiah says: "On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wines, of rich food filled with marrow, of well-aged wines strained clear. And he will destroy on this mountain the shroud that is cast over all peoples; he will swallow up death forever. Then the Lord God will wipe away the tears from all faces, and the disgrace of his people he will take away from all the earth, for the Lord has spoken. It will be said on the day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, so that he might save us. This is the Lord for whom we have waited; let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation."(Isaiah 25: 6-9, NRSV).

Notice throughout this reading, how many times the word all has appeared. This means that God's graces are poured out in abundance to all people. The salvation of God for the human race is intended for all, without exception. But this is not the case for many people who come seeking God through various Christian churches. Instead of finding a place of worship that is inclusive for all, many people of color or LGBT individuals, people who are challenged physically, emotionally, psychologically find within the walls of many Christian communities, people who are cold, exclusive and with the attitude of "if only you were what we think you should be, we could accept you."

Many of the Saints who have served God's Church over the centuries, and those who continue to serve are people who are broken by sin in one way or another. Even with the great graces of Baptism and the Eucharist, our capacity to allow God to sanctify and change us by the power of the Holy Spirit is still limited. There are places in our lives, as there have been in the lives of the Saints, that need to experience conversion. That Saints who have made the Tradition of the Church what it is today, all experienced lack of understanding in one way or another. Just think of how the Church at one time used Scripture to defend the slavery of African Americans. Through the use of Scripture, tradition and reason, the Church has since come to realize that slavery of any group of people was an intrinsic evil. The Church has a completely different understanding of the role of women than we once did. So the Church is evolving it's understanding of the role and place of LGBT individuals.

In Psalm 24 we read in this processional Hebrew hymn those who climb the mountain of the Lord in worship. The Psalmist particularly encourages "Those who have clean hands and pure hearts, who do not lift up their souls to what is false, and do not swear deceitfully."(Vs 4). Yet, how many LGBT individuals are told to "hide" who they are? Look at the work of ex-gay ministries like Courage and Exodus that teach LGBT individuals to "speak falsely" of themselves not as men and women with a sense of dignity or integrity, but tell them to "change" who "God did not create them to be." In so doing such ministries contradict the very nature of Scripture. In the Wisdom of Solomon chapter 11 verse 24 we read: "For you love all things that exist, and detest none of the things that you have made, for you would not have made anything if you had hated it." God has created all people including LGBT individuals out of the depth of God's love. LGBT cannot offer anything to God other than who they are, and what they are. As LGVG people were created out of love, they must also offer themselves up in love. LGBT individuals are a delight in the eyes of God, when they offer up their loving relationships in healthy and wholesome ways. To pretend to be anything or anyone other than who LGBT are would be to offer up things that are "false" and "deceitful."

Our Gospel reading for today takes is the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.(See John 11:32-44). God sets Lazarus free from the grave that held him down and kept him from living his full reality. Jesus called for the stone to be rolled away, where Lazarus had laid dead for four days. And Jesus called to Lazarus as I believe he calls to LGBT people: "Come out." This particular image of the tomb can be an excellent example of the closets that many LGBT people live in. We hide dead in our closets with our real selves waiting to come alive in a new way. The communities that we live in, include our families, friends, churches and jobs make our staying in our tomb like closets a necessity. We place a linen cloth over our mouths made of fear. While in the closets we stifle the Holy Spirit's call to live our lives honestly and openly.

When we finally accept God's call to come out, we can finally embrace the reality of the life that God has given us. We can breath a new air free from our burial clothes. As we come out, we work to embrace new communities of Faith that embrace LGBT individuals. These faith communities can include the Episcopal Church, the United Church of Christ, the ELCA, the Disciples of Christ, and many United Methodist Church's. And there are many communities and organizations that embrace LGBT people and work to help them develop healthy attitudes towards themselves. Opportunities such as the Gay Men's Chorus, the Human Rights Campaign, Equality America, the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, Dignity USA, Integrity USA, Lutherans Concerned and PFLAG. All of these organizations have opportunities for LGBT people and their supporters to find others who will support them. LGBT people who come out, do not have to be isolated in the bars or promiscuous sexual relationships. Gay and lesbian couples do not have to feel like there is no place for them, accept in their homes away from building communities around them.

When we finally accept the call of Jesus to live our lives the way God made us to, we can work to improve not only our lives, but the lives of others who are marginalized. This includes speaking up for those without medical insurance, adequate housing and jobs. LGBT people along with all people of good will need to hold our national and religious leaders responsible when they seek the good of themselves rather than seeking justice and peace for the people they were elected to serve. This is how the work of the Saints made the Church what it is. Working for justice and peace for all is how the Saints of today carry the mission of the Church into the future.

Everyone is called to Sainthood. Everyone, every day has the opportunity and calling to participate in the mission of Jesus Christ and the Gospel. We will not always get it right. We will not always say the right things, do the right things, and get the message. However, we can accept the call to continue listening and at no time assume that we can just sit comfortably while others continue to experience injustice. The opportunities for becoming Saints comes in our work places, our churches, our political institutions, our homes, families and all kinds of relationships. How will we turn an ordinary moment into an extraordinary opportunity to do the work of the Gospel?

Redeemer,
you risked it all to love those who hated you.
You present us with a great cloud of saints
who have gone before us
as witnesses to your divine love.
Help us to love as you did, and they did,
with reckless abandon and holy wisdom.
Give us courage when standing for love's demands.
Provide us the strength to persevere
even in those times
when it means risking it all. Amen.
(Taken from Out in Scripture by the Human Rights Campaign for All Saints Day).

My Beyond Ex-Gay Story

The following post can be found at: http://www.beyondexgay.com/narratives/philip

But please feel free to read it here. Everything printed here is from Beyond Ex-Gay.

Survivor Narrative

Philip Lowe, Jr.

My name is Philip Lowe, Jr. I live in the Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota area. I made the decision to start going to Courage meetings here in the Archdiocese of St. Paul & Minneapolis after I got out of a very bad same-sex relationship. It was a relationship in which I felt I was used a lot. While my ex and I lived together he had taken a lot of money from me without asking permission. When we broke up, he moved out while I was not at home and tried to take my cat who had belonged to me before we met and moved in together. This experience just left me lonely, angry and feeling like perhaps there really was nothing good about being gay. I was so tired of all the one night stands I had experienced. So, I decided to go to Courage meetings and got very involved with the conservative side of the Catholic church. I began attending Courage meetings from late August 2007 to about late November 2008.



Courage is the ex-gay ministry of the Roman Catholic church. The ministry was started at the end of the 1970’s under the guidance of Terrance Cardinal Cooke of the Archdiocese of New York. Courage treats homosexuality as a sexual addiction, like alcoholism and/or drug addiction. The Courage program uses the 12 step idea to help their members “recover” from “same-sex attraction.” Among the other philosophies of Courage is that individuals should not think of themselves as being “gay” or “lesbian.” To say that about ourselves is to “degrade” or to “diminish” ourselves to a “political title”. So they want their members to think of themselves as “men with same sex attraction” or “women with same sex attraction.” To basically say that the same sex attraction (SSA for short) is a “condition” that is treatable, changeable, and one that is what it is for various reasons. SSA according to Courage is not innate, but neither is it chosen. In the case of a man, something went wrong that discouraged his masculinity, and so he experiences same sex attraction, because he is searching for his masculinity and eventually finds it through “unhealthy, erotic behavior with members of the same sex.” Among the misconceptions of Courage is that Courage does not always recommend reparative therapy to “treat” same-sex attraction. In those cases where members might want reparative therapy they will gladly help them find a therapist who will do reparative therapy. For other members who might not want that, the Courage Apostolate is simply there to encourage members who attend meetings to “carry the cross” of same sex attraction and just do everything possible to avoid romantic or sexual contact with members of the same sex.

A typical Courage meeting took place on a Friday night, in a undisclosed location known only to Courage members. One of two Priests acted as a facilitator for the meeting. The meeting began with a prayer followed by reading the four goals of Courage. After the facilitator would ask “How has Courage helped you during this past week?” Then each person takes their turn talking about their struggles with chastity.

Not only does Courage not want their members to engage in sexual or romantic relationships with members of the same sex, they also attempt to treat masturbation as just another “symptom” of the greater “problem.” Many of us would go to meetings and talk about whether we had a good week or not. Did any of us masturbate? Did anyone run into someone from our past that caused us a “problem”? What kinds of spirituality did we use to help us with our “problems”?

At Courage meetings we were told to avoid any places of temptations that might exist. These included the malls, parks, bars, athletic centers or any where that might be a problem for us. We were encouraged to avoid any and all levels of “inappropriate intimacy” that could lead us to any kind of sexual or romantic intimacy with the same sex.



During my time in Courage my attitudes towards myself, my family and others became very bad. The more I avoided intimacy, the more I hungered for intimacy. By spring of my first year, I was already masturbating every day and crying bitterly after I ejaculated. I was punishing myself if I dared to look at any pornography. I was hungering to be loved, but not allowing myself to experience love. I eventually started working with an ex-gay therapist and even a spiritual director. In both cases, the more I attempted to flee being gay, the more being gay smacked me in the face. When meeting with my therapist and/or spiritual director, I would be told that either it was because of all the rejection I had experienced or because I did not know how to manage intimacy with others appropriately.

During my year with Courage, I experienced the betrayal of a different Parish Priest I had worked with as an organist during the past 3 years. This Priest was not associated with Courage, though was aware of the Apostolate. Though I did not experience any sexual abuse from him, I did experience some pastoral abuse from him as a Priest and an employer. During the year I spent in Courage, this Priest suddenly became my enemy and later in the year 2008 terminated my employment. Exactly why that happened I am not sure. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that what I had previously accepted about myself, and become comfortable with, I now was at odds with. Perhaps during that time, I became more of an enemy against myself and became angrier and angrier around other people. The Priest told me that all of the Choir members had quite because they just couldn’t take my “dictatorial” attitude anymore. I guess during that year, my attitude of being angry with myself became more than people in even a more traditional/conservative Parish could take.

At my last Courage meeting one of the guys there made the remark that he was beginning to become discouraged by the fact that because he was a man who had same sex attraction and was probably not going to overcome it any time soon, that he would never get married or have children.

There is a closeted Lutheran minister who attended Courage meetings to help him deal with his homosexuality. During the meeting that minister made a comment to the man who had the concern about not being able to marry or have children because of his sexual orientation, telling him that there are lots of gay men who are in heterosexual marriages and that he saw nothing wrong with him wanting to get married to a woman and have children, even though he is gay. That comment made me so angry because I remembered my days of being out. During my days of being out, I remember calling in on many phone date lines and hearing about the many bi/married men who just could not tell their wives about their sexual orientation and how painful that was for them. And here was a Christian minister encouraging this young man to marry with a mask over his face about who he is and what he is about.

After my experience with the Priest whose attitude towards me had changed while attending Courage meetings and my experience at the last Courage meeting, I started coming out all over again. I no longer went to Courage meetings, and I started making friends in the gay community again. I started going back to my old therapist who encouraged me to be a healthy gay man, and to seek out healthy relationships. The more I began to accept myself all over again, the better I felt. Though I was still struggling with the anger I experienced from Courage and the Priest who betrayed me, I was still yet becoming happier and finding a better sense of myself, because I was again accepting myself as I am, not as Courage thought I should be.

Philip Lowe, Jr. (right) with his partner, Jason

On February 7th of 2009, just two days after my 40th Birthday, I met Jason and we fell in love. My partner Jason’s life has also been affected by the religious right, but in a different way. But we have both been able to talk about our experiences and find companionship and intimacy with each other in a very healthy way. Since meeting Jason, we have both started attending a near by Episcopal Cathedral, where LGBT people are welcomed and affirmed. We even rode the float for the Episcopal Cathedral in the Pride Parade, and attended a Pride Liturgy that same afternoon. Since attending the Episcopal Cathedral, we have also met many ex Catholic Priests who are gay and now in relationships there.

Going through everything with Courage and now being in a happy relationship, I do think I am a better gay man for having gone through it all. I now know what goes on in an ex gay ministry, but I have also been able to come out of it with a better sense of myself and how God really wants my life to be. I have been learning that I am who I am, and God loves me as I am. As my partner Jason has told me so many times: “God knew you would be gay, long before you were born.” I believe that God knows us and loves us as we are, and wants us to be in healthy relationships with others, but also be in a healthy relationship with ourselves.