Friday, December 3, 2010

Serving God with Everything We Have: An Ex-Gay Survivor's Reflection

Luke 20: 41-21:4 (NRSV)

Then Jesus said to them, ‘How can they say that the Messiah is David’s son? For David himself says in the book of Psalms,
“The Lord said to my Lord,
‘Sit at my right hand,
   until I make your enemies your footstool.’
David thus calls him Lord; so how can he be his son?’

In the hearing of all the people he said to the disciples, ‘Beware of the scribes, who like to walk around in long robes, and love to be greeted with respect in the market-places, and to have the best seats in the synagogues and places of honour at banquets. They devour widows’ houses and for the sake of appearance say long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation.’

He looked up and saw rich people putting their gifts into the treasury; he also saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. He said, ‘Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them; for all of them have contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in all she had to live on.’ 

 If there is one Christmas song and movie that causes me to cry is the Christmas Shoes.  The infamous song about a poor boy wanting to buy a pair of Christmas shoes for his mama before she dies and the man who laid down the money so he could buy them.  Though most of us might know that his mama most likely did not wear the shoes after her death, the story of this boy wanting to do right by his dying mother's bed side is still heart wrenching.  It is the story of a boy who just wants to do something very special for his dying mother.  His love for her is innocent and strong.  Though his heart is breaking for his mother whom he loves so much, he still wants to do something that will mean oh so much for her.   He can't give what he doesn't have.  So he simply gives everything he can.

The ending of this Gospel today is about giving not what we do not have, but giving all that we can.  Not everyone has the ability to be a baseball player or a world famous scholar.  There are some people who are blessed with wealth and opportunity and others who are lucky if we have the basics of every day life.  We are not asked by God to give out of what we do not have.  We are asked to give from everything that we have.  God knows best what is in our hearts.  Let God be the one who discerns the motives of our hearts and the standards of how we are to live.

As a gay man I know all too well what it is to try to give from what I do not have.  I have been through years of being a committed Christian who thought that if I only remain celibate or "chaste" as the Catholic church suggests then I will be doing the right thing.  If I try to "heal the same-sex attraction" as the Courage group started by Cardinal Cooke suggested, then I will be right with God because I followed the teachings of the church and that pleased God.  Ex-gay groups like Courage, Exodus and PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays) and so many others like it, try to suggest that as long as our sexual orientation is lesbian, gay or bisexual, and transgender people remain who they are, they can never please God or serve God.  The arrogance of such thinking alone is outrageous, because it is untrue.  The more I tried to "change" who I was, the more miserable I became.  I did not dare go out to a mall, a restaurant or use a public bathroom for fear of what should happen to me if I should look a man in the eye or make a loving gesture?  How is that, the way to live?  How is that offering to God what I do not have?  It cannot work.

I cannot offer God or any woman the attraction of someone who is heterosexual, because I am not and never will be.  Despite the fact that I have faced significant rejection in my life does not mean that I am gay because of some psychological disorder within myself.  It is because of the misinformation about homosexuality that has been fed to society and the Church by erroneous understandings of the Bible and it's application.  What I am describing is not unlike the experiences of other ex-gay survivors.  I have officially been away from Courage for two years and I am not sorry I left. 

Today, I am still a strong believer in Jesus Christ.  I serve him faithfully as an Episcopalian, as a Christian, a gay person, a husband/partner and all of the other things I do.  I cannot offer what I do not have.  I can only offer everything that I can.  And I believe God is the one who will best decide whether or not what I offer is best.  God will ultimately save my soul.  God has loved me unconditionally and all inclusively and welcomes me with God's presence in Holy Communion.

As Christians we are called to offer to God all that we have to live on.  No, we are not being asked to dump every last nickel and dime into the treasury.  We are being asked to give of what we have and to give our all for the common good of those whom society and the Church sets aside because of prejudice and apathy.

When we see the State of Arizona taking medicare dollars away from people who need medical transplants and giving that money to corporations so executives can stock away profits, what we are seeing is nothing short of evil.   When we hear the military say that Don't Ask, Don't Tell should be repealed, but still allow the Family Research Council and the American Family Association dictate what America should do because of their horrible anti-gay lies and rhetoric, what we are seeing is evil.  When the unemployment benefits expired on December 1st leaving over 800,000 Americans without the means to keep their homes, utilities, food and hope for the future, because Republicans want to add $700 million to the national debt on tax breaks for the wealthiest Americans, we are witnessing evil in our time.  When we in the State of Minnesota are hoping that Tom Emmer will give up the race for Governor, where Mark Dayton has over 8,000 votes over Emmer, with another 2,500 frivolous ballots that add to his lead, so that the Medicare Money that Gov. Pawlenty vetoed cannot go to people who need it, it is pure evil.  

We need to serve God with everything we have to give, and that means being willing to help those who are in need.  The federal government has set aside money to help people on behalf of American tax payers.   It is time to stop keeping that money from going to those who need the services that can best help them.  This is why I support progressive causes and believe that while the Government is not God, God does bless Governments who use public funds to help those who need the services they can provide.  When we as a nation and a Church reach out to help people who need the help, we are giving all that we have for the good of others.  It should never be too much to ask. 

In this Season of Advent, we are called to prepare for the coming of Christ by casting off works of darkness.  We must speak up and be concerned when individuals who are struggling to survive, live and prosper cannot do so without help.  When we stop reaching out to help, darkness takes our land by storm.  When we reach out on behalf of Christ to help others who are in need, by giving from who we are and what we have we are fulfilling the work of the Gospel.

Almighty God, give us grace to cast away the works of darkness, and put on the armor of light, now in the time of this mortal life in which your Son Jesus Christ came to visit us in great humility; that in the last day, when he shall come again in his glorious majesty to judge both the living and the dead, we may rise to the life immortal; through him who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen. (Collect for the First Sunday of Advent, Book of Common Prayer, page 211).


Grant, O God, that your holy and life-giving Spirit may so move every human heart, that barriers which divide us may crumble, suspicions disappear, and hatreds cease; that our divisions being healed, we may live in justice and peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. (Prayer for Social Justice, Book of Common Prayer, page 823).

Lord, make us instruments of your peace. Where there is hatred, let us sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen. (Prayer Attributed to St. Francis, Book of Common Prayer, page 833).

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