The calendar for the Episcopal Church designates today as the Feast of St. Thomas the Apostle. The title of "Doubting Thomas" is a fitting title and one that I have heard many Christians give to themselves. The idea that Thomas spoke was "Unless I see,,,,,,I will not believe." (See John 21:24 to 29).
Over the years there has become a much different view of Thomas. The question of Thomas' doubt is actually a courageous prayer "Lord, show yourself to me, that I may believe." How many of us have often prayed: "Oh Lord, if only you will show yourself to me in this situation, then I will believe that you exist." It sounds like a bribers prayer. If only you, then I will.... and so on. But lets face some important facts. There is a lot that goes on in this world that shakes our faith in God. When natural disasters strikes, or someone we love dies or leaves us. When we do not get that job that we need so desperately, or that loved one we pray for to stop drinking too much, or stop abusing someone or stop letting themselves be abused by someone, it can make us feel as if God might not be there or listening. Our faith often seems dependent upon God answering our prayers, our way. And if we do not get what we want, then we blame it all on God for not doing what we wanted, and start questioning our belief in God.
Sometimes God does answer our prayers and desires, but not quite the way we want. God gives us what God knows is best and sometimes what is God's best is not something we want to accept or understand. God knows that we go down those paths in life. And because God is a loving God, God does not set limits on us returning to belief in God and trying again and again to trust God. God wants to reach in and help us to grow in our relationship to God and other people. But God does not do any of that without our willingness to be honest with God about how we feel inside and wanting to get up and try again. The greatest part about God's love is that we do not always have to get it right. We do not have to have it all understood or put in the right order. It is God's job to help us get it in order, all we have to do is come back to God and ask for the grace to trust and start over and over and over again. In time, God uses the things that we have struggled with and uses them to build us up and make us stronger, but we have to start with telling God that we need God to show us and help us to trust and believe in God. It is a prayer that God answers, but a prayer that every believer and doubter needs to pray at some point.
In St. Thomas the Apostle both faith and doubt find their common ground. For it is sometimes when we doubt and ask God to come in the midst of our doubt that our faith in God becomes strengthened and we find a reason to believe again and again. St. Thomas the Apostle is the patron Saint of those who question their faith. St. Thomas' saying "Unless I see,,,,I will not believe" is not so much a weakness as it is a request for Jesus to show Thomas that God really has fulfilled everything that Jesus promised. And when Jesus finally appears and shows Thomas his pierced hands and feet, it is the faith of Thomas which is confirmed and strengthened the cries out: "My Lord, and My God." (John 20:28). The question that St. Thomas asks in his doubt, when God answers his prayer, Thomas' Faith becomes an example and proclaims the Divinity of Jesus Christ as God in the Flesh, the Incarnation we are about to celebrate on Christmas Day.
As lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered Christians how do we face our doubts as we deal with right wing Christians? How are we challenging the Church in our time as many still see LGBT people as "intrinsically disordered?" In those moments when even LGBT accepting and affirming churches might make us wonder if they really are accepting and affirming, how do we face our feelings of doubt and disappointment in our prayers with God? Are we honest with God about our doubts? Are we willing to take the chance to believe and have God affirm our belief?
Today's feast of St. Thomas the Apostle is a great Saint for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered Christians. In those moments when the Church disappoints us or discriminates against us even still at the end of the year 2009, we can call upon our God in prayer and ask for God's guidance about how we should respond. We can ask that Jesus reveal God to us as Jesus is born in us again today and on Christmas Day. Today is another opportunity to try to show charity. Today is another chance to write a letter to a newspaper editor, or State/Federal Legislator about the "Kill the Gays" bill in Uganda. Today is another day to let that someone special in our life know that we still love them. Today is also another day to spend with a friend or with someone who is lonely and in need of someone to love them. Things like that help God's presence be known in the world. It helps our doubts and the doubts of others begin to see that God has not abandoned the world as of yet.
Everliving God, who strengthened your apostle Thomas with firm and certain faith in your Son's resurrection: Grant us so perfectly and without doubt to believe in Jesus Christ, our Lord and our God, that our faith may never be found wanting in your sight; through him who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen. (Prayer for St. Thomas, December 21st, Book of Common Prayer, Page 237).
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